You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
