The brown eye won't let me do that either.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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