Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
