I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
