Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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