I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
