I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
