What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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