Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
