I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
