What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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