look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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