I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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