Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
