Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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