dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
