Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
