Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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