the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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