I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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