I need to stop coming to work sober
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
