Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
