Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
