Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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