so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's paper in my vomit.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
