We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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