i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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