If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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