I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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