If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
