I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
