I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just said "you do you" to my penis.