someone threw a dead crab at me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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