In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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