We need to rekindle our bromance
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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