My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
