I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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