I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
