I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
