were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
