I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
