she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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