Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
that is very illegal...i love you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
