I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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