Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
