my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
