Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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