Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm both gender and math confused
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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