East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize