made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
