So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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