WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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