The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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