I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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