Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
