no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
