no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
