Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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