Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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